Interlude
Tatiana: Our Romanov Christmas, 1917
It’s hard to believe that it’s already Christmas. It has been both too short and too long, almost like we’ve gotten lost in time and are still trying to figure out where we are.
The road ahead of us is unclear, like riding through a snowstorm in the sledge on a moonless night. All we can see is a small circle of light from the lamp. It surrounds us, a pool of flickering safety. That’s what they told us back in July. That moving us to Tobolsk was for our own safety—the provisional government protecting us from the Bolsheviks.
But I fear that it is just an illusion, very much like that flickering light and the way it’s being cut through every second of every day by hard, cold, snow. It looks beautiful—benign even—but it can kill you. The snow can be harsh, cutting. Deadly.
Ever since we set foot in this house on the twenty-sixth of August, I have been filled with dread. No matter how much I push it down, it resurfaces.
It’s not just the changes. They put the retainers and servants across the street in the house of a rich merchant, a Mr. Kornilov. I wonder if they asked. I worry that they just showed up at the door one day and said, “We’re the masters of this house now, move out.” Or was Mr. Kornilov honored to host our entourage, to have us as his neighbors? If so, I’d like to thank him. I’d like to reassure him that he’ll be compensated. That we didn’t just take. But I cannot. So I add this embarrassment to the ever-growing list of things I cannot control, that I have no say in, that I bury alive.
It’s not my place, after all. Papa is no longer tsar which means I’m not a grand-duchess. I’m just a girl. It’s something I’ve wished for, and now that I have it, I realize that it’s not the milk and honey I expected it to be. Before, I had status but no responsibility, no power. Now, I feel as if responsibility—for things I’ve not done, did not know of, had no say in—hangs above me like the blade of a guillotine. I still don’t have power and now I don’t even have status. Except maybe that of a pawn, and everyone knows what happens to those.
Our knights remain with us: Monsieur Pierre Gilliard, our French tutor; General Tatichtchev and Prince Dolgorukov, my father’s aides; Drs. Botkin and Derevenko; Countess Hendrikova. And of course, our guard. They are soldiers from the former First and Fourth rifle regiments and have been with us for years. They were with us at Tsarskoe Selo, under the command of a Colonel Kobylinsky, who has been very nice to us.
I spoke to the men of our guard. They were, as they had always been, men with whom we shared a common past. We talked about their families, their villages. They spoke of the battles they had seen during the Great War. They still called my brother “The Heir.” I knew that he held a special place in their hearts because they would find ways to entertain and distract him.
They even welcomed us in the guard house and invited us to play draughts with them.
But this is not Tsarskoe Selo. We can no longer walk out in the open. Instead we must be satisfied with a very small kitchen garden. It is not just the lack of space that is so stifling. It is being under observation. Soldiers from the Second Rifle Regiment look down upon us from their barracks.
We’ve been on display our whole lives, but that was different. That was when we left the much-cherished isolation of our home. If we had any illusions about being captives, they are now all gone, at least for me. I feel fate tightening its grip on us in so many ways.
It started, not with the size of the house or the yard. Those were just physical manifestations of something far more sinister.
It started in September with Commissar Pankratov and his deputy, a narrow, stubborn, and cruel man named Nikolsky. Commissar Pankratov is a man of gentle character. He is well-informed and has made a good impression on my father. He has been kind to us children.
Mr. Nikolsky however, scares me. He delights in tormenting us, in inventing fresh annoyances that he trots out anew each day. He ordered Colonel Kobylinsky to take our photographs and had numbered identity cards made for us. We must carry them, as if we were inmates in some vast prison, as if our guard haven’t been with us for years.
It’s a bit of revenge, you see. And although I didn’t see it at first, it became more obvious as time passed. On November 15th the provisional government was overthrown. It was one of many events that disappointed my father.
He had abdicated to save Russia. But instead, he’d made way for Lenin and his acolytes to destroy the army and corrupt the country. I knew that that decision would haunt him forever not just because he failed to save Russia, but because it had also harmed his people and his country.
As the weeks passed, what little news we’ve gotten has worsened. We told ourselves that we didn’t have the entire picture, so things weren’t as bad as they appeared. We knew that we didn’t have enough information to predict the consequences of what was going on in the world. That puddle of light that surrounded and defined our existence wobbled and shrank and cast false shadows as the storm intensified, as the flakes of snow turned to barbs of ice, as the temperature dropped and the sun hid like it was never going to rise over us again.
And behind that intensifying storm was our kind Commissar Pankratov. One wouldn’t have expected kindness to come from someone who was an acolyte of the Bolsheviks. But he had good intentions: intentions that blinded him to what he was doing.
In my heart I know he did not do it to harm us. I can’t imagine that the thought would have occurred to him. He was an enlightened man. He thought that introducing the soldiers to liberal doctrines would make them good citizens and patriots in a post-imperial Russia. He planted those seeds of thought in their minds with all the right intentions. But a thought-seed’s success depends on the type of soil in which it is planted. And when it was planted in the men of the Second Regiment, the one unit of the guard that were not “our guard” but our guards, that seed bore ill fruit.
Commissar Pankratov’s liberal ideas and good intentions infected these men—like so many others throughout Russia—with Bolshevism. They formed a Soldiers’ Committee whose decisions overrode those of Colonel Kobylinsky. It was at that moment that they ceased to be a military unit and became petty tyrants. We were the unfortunate recipients of their tyrannies. It must’ve been intoxicating to them, to have such power for the first time in their lives. It was then that I learned—through the pain they brought to my mother—that the tyranny of the many is no different than the tyranny of the few. It is the same tyranny that these men supposedly detested.
I couldn’t believe that Colonel Kobylinsky allowed it. It wasn’t until later that I understood why. These kinds of committees, known as soviets, were cropping up all over the country. Peasant soviets. Factory soviets. Village soviets.
It was in this environment that we, nevertheless, worked on making the most of our lives. We had always been, very much, about our family. We continued going to services, rising very early to walk surrounded by soldiers to the dimly lit church across the street. Alone, we prayed.
We continued our lessons, sometimes in the large hall, sometimes in my room or Alexei’s. We girls took turns taking care of Mama, who was often unwell. We organized games and amusements. The cold forced us together in the drawing room, taking turns on the sofa, for we weren’t given enough wood to heat the entire house. The dogs begged for our laps and we were grateful for their warmth and companionship.
When Mama was well she did needlework or played with us. This family peace, this being out of the public eye, something that we had once craved for so earnestly, became bittersweet and soured as our isolation continued.
We spent long months knitting woolen waistcoats for our entourage. I’ll never forget Monsieur Gilliard with his piercing eyes and stiff wing collars, his distinctive twirled moustache and goatee, as I handed him his waistcoat on Christmas Eve. I’ll never forget how my hands trembled with foreboding. I took that foreboding and hid it, not wishing to spoil the evening.