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CHAPTER 38

February 11, 2091 (Earth timeline)

April 7, 2090 (Ship timeline)

approximately 7 light-months from Earth

3.54 light-years from Proxima

“Not that it really matters, Captain, but I’d like to stay up a few more weeks,” Roy pleaded with Captain Crosby. “I like keeping up with my daughter’s growth.”

“I get it Roy. I really do,” Crosby replied, “but we can’t have one person up by protocol. There has to be three at a time, all the time. And if we have more than that up for long periods of time, we will start taxing the environment systems and the food and water stores more than planned. We wouldn’t run out, but it would eat into our contingency percentages more than I’d like. We’ve had this discussion.”

“Well, you didn’t plan a contingency for having me on this ship for the duration either!” Roy exclaimed. He’d looked at the statistics for the ship supply stores and environment systems. He didn’t believe that his being up would cause any problems.

“Roy, you need to calm yourself down.” Crosby exhaled and looked to Roy to be counting underneath his breath. “If you like, I will put you in every fourth rotation. You will be part of the awake team once per year for three months. That’s the most I’m willing to do. You can spend that time catching up on videos and helping check the nav system.”

“Nothing more than that?” Roy was defeated. He knew that the captain could have him restrained and put in cryo for the next nine years if he wanted other than the mandatory midflight week for medical exams. He decided to take what he could. “Very well. Sorry for my outburst, Captain. This is very . . . difficult for me.”

“Roy, this is difficult for all of us. This is ridiculously horrible for you. I understand your frustration, your anger, your sadness, and any other emotions that might run away with you.” Crosby nodded knowingly as he was choosing his words slowly. “Dr. Kopylova and I spoke at length about your situation and here is the issue. I’m just going to be point blank and blunt with you.”

“Please do, Captain.”

“Roy, anytime you are awake, we have you on suicide watch.”

“What?”

“Use that brain of yours to figure it out,” Crosby said. “You are a risk of deep depression and therefore suicide. While the doc has given you various treatments to prevent that, treatment never is perfect.” Crosby paused and Roy wasn’t sure if he was done or pausing for some effect. “Now Roy, I want you to explain to me why I don’t want you awake as part of the three-man awake team.”

“Me, explain?”

“Yes. You need to come to that realization yourself.”

Roy thought about what Crosby was getting at and didn’t really understand where he was going. Why did it matter? Hell, even if he did commit suicide, and he wasn’t sure he was a risk for that, it would be one less person sucking in air, using food and water, and needing power. Seemed like a positive to him.

“Well? I want to hear your thoughts, Roy,” Crosby insisted.

“Um, well, if I am on suicide watch, um, I don’t really understand why it matters. Why watch? If I jumped out an airlock, who would care? Your resources would be spared by the needs of one person,” Roy said very matter-of-factly. He didn’t really see why anyone should care.

“If you were to jump out an airlock, what if you bounced into a sensitive component of the spacecraft, causing damage and maybe putting the mission or the crew at risk?” Crosby frowned. “What if, Roy? What if?”

“Okay, I’d be more cautious, then.” Roy shrugged and realized that he chuckled, which was kind of weird. Talking about how he would commit suicide seemed too unemotional to him. “Maybe I’d just take some pills or something in my quarters. Or . . . I don’t know, whatever.”

“Roy, do you want us to have to report home to your daughter that you have died?” Crosby asked.

“I, uh, well . . . ” Roy had not really thought about that. If he killed himself because he couldn’t be with his wife and daughter what type of burden might that place on them? Sheepishly he had to admit that he didn’t want that.

“I guess not,” Roy admitted. He actually wasn’t sure he’d ever contemplated suicide, although he’d felt like his life was over and dying didn’t matter.

“Well, I’m glad to hear that,” Crosby said. “Roy, many times when someone commits suicide on deep-space missions it is not premeditated and thought through. It is just done. You are on suicide watch until such time as we reach Proxima. That means that the crew that is awake with you must check your whereabouts and status hourly. That is an extra burden on them. That means that somebody must have an opposite sleep cycle or have sleepless nights getting up to check on you all the time. That is a lot to ask of someone for ninety days.”

“I never thought of that.” Roy honestly hadn’t even considered that he was burdening the crew with his moods and depression. Maybe he would be better off just going into cryo for the duration of the mission. “I guess, if I were you, well, I’d put me in a cryobed and only wake me up when I had to.”

“Now you are getting it, Roy.” Crosby nodded his head up and down slowly. “So, you can stay up once a year for three months, but that puts a burden on the crew with you.”

“I won’t commit suicide,” Roy said as sincerely as he could. “I just won’t.”

“While I’m glad to hear you say that, I can’t, in good conscience, believe it.”

“I can’t impose on the crew to have to watch me every hour through the day. What if I wear a health status monitor or something?” Roy offered. “Have it only accessible by them and not me so I can’t turn it off, unlock it, or take it off?” Roy truly didn’t want to burden the crew with this crazy “suicide watch.”

“We don’t have any such device, Roy. We have health monitors but none we can lock you out of.”

“I see.”

“For now, it’s time for your rotation in the cryobed. We’ll wake you on your next planned rotation,” Crosby said with an inflection in his voice and an expression on his face that told Roy he was done discussing it.

“I understand, Captain.”



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Framed