CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN
TECH SUPPORT
Build-A-Dragon Support Chat Transcript.
Operator: Li-Huei Chang.
Date: March 28th.
System: We appreciate your patience. A support operator will be with you in five minutes.
System: We appreciate your patience. A support operator will be with you in three minutes.
System: We appreciate your patience. A support operator will be with you in one minute.
System: We appreciate your patience. A support operator will be with you in five minutes.
Guest 14: You gotta be kidding me.
System: We appreciate your patience. A support operator will be with you in two minutes.
System: We appreciate your patience. A support operator will be with you in one minute.
Charles Smith (trainee): Hello and thank you for contacting the Build-A-Dragon company. May I have your name, please?
Guest 14: It’s Johnny.
Charles Smith (trainee): Johnny . . .
Guest 14: McMann.
Charles Smith (trainee): Good afternoon, Mr. McMann. How can I help you today?
Guest 14: Got a problem with my dragon. It’s defective.
Charles Smith (trainee): I would be happy to help you with that. Do you have your order number?
Guest 14: Yeah. 474638.
Charles Smith (trainee): Just a moment.
Charles Smith (trainee): I see that you ordered one of our attack dragons, with an intelligence upgrade. In, oh my, hot pink?
Guest 14: Right.
Guest 14: Bought it for my wife.
Charles Smith (trainee): I see.
Guest 14: She never wants nothing. I figured, how ’bout a pink dragon?
Charles Smith (trainee): Well done, sir. I’m sure your wife was pleased.
Guest 14: We just got separated.
Charles Smith (trainee): Ah.
Guest 14: Told me I was “selfish.” Then she lit out while I was at work.
Charles Smith (trainee): I’m sorry to hear that, Mr. McMann.
Guest 14: Took the good TV, too. Who’s selfish now?
Charles Smith (trainee): Did you say there was a problem with the dragon, sir?
Guest 14: Yeah. It ate the cat.
Charles Smith (trainee): What kind of cat?
Guest 14: I don’t know. My wife’s cat.
Charles Smith (trainee): How did it get into the dragon’s cage?
Guest 14: Cage?
Charles Smith (trainee): All Build-A-Dragon orders for attack dragons ship with a reinforced metal cage.
Guest 14: Oh, that. We ain’t using it.
Charles Smith (trainee): May I ask why, sir?
Guest 14: Had to keep letting the dragon out and putting it back. Lot of work.
Charles Smith (trainee): If you read the dragon ownership manual, you’ll see that we recommend keeping the dragon in its cage. Particularly for this model.
Guest 14: Well, she’s real pissed about the cat.
Charles Smith (trainee): Did you discipline the dragon, afterward?
Guest 14: Damn right I did. Haven’t fed it since.
Charles Smith (trainee): That’s not quite the guideline we’ve laid out in the manual. May I ask how long ago this occurred?
Guest 14: ’Bout three days.
Charles Smith (trainee): To clarify, sir. You haven’t fed your dragon in three days?
Guest 14: Right.
Charles Smith (trainee): Sir, our dragons must be fed on a regular basis. It says so in the manual.
Guest 14: Never got around to reading that. It was, like, a lot of pages.
Charles Smith (trainee): Forty-two pages to be precise, sir. But that was important information.
Guest 14: Who cares? She don’t want the dragon anyway. I’ll send it back, and you guys can put it down or whatever.
Charles Smith (trainee): I understand, sir. Can I ask what the dragon is doing now?
Guest 14: He’s sleeping on the . . . oh. Guess he’s right here. God, they’re quiet when they want to be!
Charles Smith (trainee): I’m sure the cat would agree, sir.
Charles Smith (trainee): Did you say the dragon is right beside you?
Guest 14: Yeah.
Charles Smith (trainee): Mr. McMann, are we on a secure channel?
Guest 14: What do you mean?
Charles Smith (trainee): Can the dragon see your computer screen?
Guest 14: Guess it can. So what?
Charles Smith (trainee): It’s just that you ordered one with the intelligence upgrade, sir.
Guest 14: Well, I still want to return it.
Charles Smith (trainee): That’s not what I meant, sir. I’m concerned that the dragon might have followed our conversation.
Guest 14: What’s your point?
Charles Smith (trainee): My point, Mr. McMann, is that you have a fully grown attack dragon beside you. And it may have learned that you’re planning its demise.
Guest 14: Think I’m afraid of this little guy? Doubt he weighs a buck twenty-five.
Charles Smith (trainee): Our attack dragons are bred for killing. A single one can take down a mature lion.
Guest 14: Bull**** [off-color content suppressed]
Charles Smith (trainee): I’m quite serious, sir.
Guest 14: For real? Didn’t know that.
Charles Smith (trainee): Do you have the Build-A-Dragon sedation kit with you?
Guest 14: Yep. Got it right here.
Charles Smith (trainee): Open it up, if you would.
Guest 14: Okay. What is this, a pill?
Charles Smith (trainee): It’s a suppository.
Guest 14: What!?
Charles Smith (trainee): A suppository. You have to put it—
Guest 14: I know what a goddamn suppository is.
Charles Smith (trainee): Glad to hear it, sir.
Guest 14: But why would you do that?
Charles Smith (trainee): We’ve found it discourages returns.
Guest 14: No shit.
Charles Smith (trainee): Good one, sir.
Guest 14: That wasn’t what . . . never mind. I’ll give it a shot.
[Brief period of inactivity]
Guest 14: No dice.
Charles Smith (trainee): I’m sorry, sir?
Guest 14: Couldn’t do it. All I did was piss him off.
Charles Smith (trainee): Try holding him by the safety harness.
Guest 14: Huh?
Charles Smith (trainee): The safety harness, sir. It should give you a better grip on the dragon.
Guest 14: You mean the leather and chain thing?
Charles Smith (trainee): Exactly, sir.
Guest 14: Yeah . . . I don’t have that.
Charles Smith (trainee): I’m sorry?
Guest 14: My soon-to-be-ex-wife dropped off the dragon this morning. She didn’t give me the harness.
Charles Smith (trainee): Sir, are you saying that you have no way to restrain your dragon?
Guest 14: Nope.
Charles Smith (trainee): Uh . . .
Guest 14: He’s kinda staring at me.
Charles Smith (trainee): I must advise you to vacate the area as quickly as possible.
Guest 14: He’s jlkkl,.,kllk/////////
Charles Smith (trainee): Mr. McMann?
Charles Smith (trainee): Sir?
[Brief period of inactivity]
Charles Smith (trainee): It sounds like we’ve resolved your issue. I’ll be closing the chat window now, sir.
Charles Smith (trainee): I’ve put in a request to have another copy of the manual sent to you. Thank you for choosing The Build-A-Dragon Company.