Monsters of The Midway
This one was written for an anthology titled The Ultimate Frankenstein. I have never been able to take the tropes of horror stories or movies seriously, so when it became time to write about man-made men, I remembered growing up in Chicago, where the Bears were known as the Monsters of the Midway, and the story practically wrote itself.
SURPRISES ON TAP? July 12, 2037 (UPI) Coach Rattler Renfro, in his initial press conference, has promised fans that his Chicago Bears, coming off a pair of 1-and-15 seasons, will sport a new look this season. When asked to explain why training camp will be closed to both the press and the public, Renfro merely smiled and said, “No comment.”
BEARS TAKE OPENER, 76-0 September 4, 2037 (AP) The “New Look” Chicago Bears made their debut this afternoon, beating last year’s Super Bowl winners, the North Dakota Timberwolves, by a league-record score of 76-0. The Timberwolves were a 22-point favorite.
Coach Rattler Renfro unveiled an all-new offensive line, consisting of five rookies, all free agents who had never played organized football before. They are right tackle Jumbo Smith (8’4”, 603 pounds), right guard Willie “The Whale” McPherson (7’10”, 566 pounds), center Hannibal Cohen (8’3”, 622 pounds), left guard Mountain O’Mara (7’8”, 559 pounds), and the biggest of them all, right tackle Tiny Tackenheim (8’7”, 701 pounds).
“Hell, I could have run through the holes those guys made,” said Timberwolves coach Rocket Ryan. “I don’t know where Renfro recruited them, but they’re just awesome.”
After three decades in eclipse, it looks like the Bears are once again the Monsters of the Midway.
BEARS WIN FOURTH STRAIGHT, 88-7 October 2, 2037 (AP) “Those guys just ain’t human!” said Montana Buttes’ linebacker Jocko Schmidt from his hospital bed, after his team had suffered an 88-7 mauling at the hands of the Chicago Bears. “That Tackenheim ought to be in a zoo, not on a football field!”
NFL INVESTIGATES CHARGES October 24, 2037 (UPI) The National Football League has announced that they are probing into an alleged connection between Nobel Prize winner Dr. Alfredo Rathermann and the Chicago Bears. Rathermann, who won his award for his pioneering work in the animation of dead tissue, was unavailable for comment.
George Halas VI, owner and general manager of the Bears, who lead their division with a 7-0 record, termed the allegations “ridiculous.”
BEARS CLINCH TITLE, LOOK TO SUPER BOWL December 25, 2037 (UPI) The Chicago Bears celebrated Christmas with a 68-3 thrashing of the Mississippi Riverboats, thus becoming the first NFL team this century to conclude its regular-season schedule unbeaten and untied. The Monsters of the Midway looked awesome as the offensive line opened up hole after hole for Chicago’s running backs.
Coach Rattler Renfro, in his post-game press conference, praised the Riverboats and said that he was looking forward to the playoffs. When questioned about the ongoing investigation of the dealings between the Bears and Dr. Alfredo Rathermann, he simply shrugged and said, “Hey, I’m just a coach. You’ll have to speak to the Commissioner about that.”
RATHERMANN ADMITS ALL! December 28, 2037 (UPI) Nobel Prize laureate Alfredo Rathermann held a joint press conference with Roger Jamison, Commissioner of the National Football League, and admitted that the five starting members of the Chicago Bears’ offensive line are actually scientific constructs, created from bits and pieces of other human beings.
This revelation seemed certain to win another Nobel for Dr. Rathermann, but the more important issue of whether linemen Smith, McPherson, Cohen, O’Mara, and Tackenheim will be allowed to compete in the upcoming NFL playoffs remains undecided at present. Commissioner Jamison promised a ruling before the Bears meet the Las Vegas Gamblers in eleven days.
NFL RULES ON “MONSTERS” January 3, 2038 (AP) Commissioner Roger Jamison held a press conference this morning, in which he outlined the NFL’s policy on the Chicago Bears’ offensive line.
“After extended meetings with our attorneys and the NFL Players Union, we have amended the rules to state that football is a game played by natural-born human beings,” said Commissioner Jamison. “If we were to permit an endless string of Dr. Rathermann’s creations to play in the NFL, the day would soon arrive when not a single natural-born human could make an NFL roster, and while it would certainly make the games more exciting, we question whether the public is ready for such a change at this time.
“However,” he added, “our attorneys inform us that we have no legal basis for denying Smith, McPherson, Cohen, O’Mara, and Tackenheim the right to play in this season’s post-season competition, since the rule was changed after they made the Bears’ roster.”
The owners of the 47 other NFL teams have filed an official protest, demanding that the players in question be barred from the upcoming playoffs.
BEARS WIN 77-10, SUPER BOWL NEXT January 15, 2038 (UPI) The Chicago Bears beat the Hawaii Volcanos 77-10 this afternoon to advance to the Super Bowl. They overcame a 10-0 first-quarter deficit after the Supreme Court overturned the injunction barring linemen Smith, McPherson, Cohen, O’Mara and Tackenheim from playing. The ruling came down at 1:37 PM, and the Bears took the lead, never to relinquish it, at 1:43 PM.
“MONSTERS DON’T SCARE US,” SAYS McNAB January 22, 2038 (UPI) With the Super Bowl only a week away, and the Chicago Bears a 45-point favorite, Coach Terry McNab of the Alaskan Malamutes said that his team didn’t fear the Monsters of the Midway, and looked forward to the challenge.
When asked how his defensive line, which will be giving away an average of 327 pounds per man, would cope with their offensive counterparts on the Bears, he merely smiled and said that he was working on a strategy.
The Bears are expected to be 50-point favorites by the opening kickoff.
McNAB MISSES PRACTICE January 24, 2038 (UPI) Coach Terry McNab was missing from the Alaskan Malamutes’ practice this afternoon. Club officials had no comment.
RATHERMAN RESURFACES January 26, 2038 (UPI) Nobel Prize winner Alfredo Rathermann, who had been in seclusion since December 28, was spotted sitting in the stands, watching the Alaskan Malamutes prepare for their Super Bowl meeting with the Chicago Bears.
When asked if he had a rooting interest in the game, Rathermann replied that his interest was “strictly professional.” He was later seen having dinner with Coach McNab and the owners of the Malamutes.
BEARS GO TO COURT TO BAR McNAB FROM SUPER BOWL January 28, 2038 (AP) With the revelation that Coach Terry McNab’s skull now houses two brains—his own and that of Professor Steven Hawking’s, which had been cryogenically frozen upon his death in 1998—the Chicago Bears went to court in an attempt to stop McNab from appearing on the sidelines during tomorrow’s Super Bowl.
McNab’s physician, Dr. Alfredo Rathermann, called the Bears ownership “poor sportsmen” and pointed out that since McNab will not be playing, his presence will not break the NFL’s controversial new policy.
“Besides,” said McNab as a hastily-called press conference, “I’m still the same 183-pound 57-year-old man I was last week. How can sharing the late Dr. Hawkings’ brain pose a threat to the Bears? Do I look like a Monster of the Midway?”
COURT RULES FOR McNAB January 28, 2038 (UPI) The U.S. District Court ruled that Coach Terry McNab’s presence will not conflict with stated NFL policy, and that he will be allowed on the field when his Alaskan Malamutes, who are 53-point underdogs, meet the Chicago Bears in tomorrow’s Super Bowl.
MALAMUTES UPSET BEARS, 7-3 January 29, 2938 (AP) In one of the great upsets of all time, the Alaskan Malamutes beat the Chicago Bears 7-3 in Super Bowl LXXIII.
Using unorthodox formations and attacking from strange angles, the Malamutes’ new “Vector Defense” smothered the supposedly unstoppable Bears running game. Quarterback Pedro Cordero hit tight end Bennie Philander with a 9-yard touchdown pass at 3:12 of the fourth quarter for the winning score.
When asked how his defense managed to penetrate the vaunted Bears line, Coach Terry McNab’s only comment was “E = MC2.”
MAJOR OVERHAUL FOR BEARS February 19, 2038 (UPI) In the wake of their devastating defeat in the Super Bowl, the Chicago Bears have fired Coach Rattler Renfro, and given unconditional releases to linemen Jumbo Smith, Willie the Whale McPherson, Hannibal Cohen, Mountain O’Mara, and Tiny Tackenheim.
All five players expressed hope that they could start new careers in the World Wrestling Federation.