Two Yards of Dragon
by
L. Sprague de Camp
L. Sprague de Camp is a seminal figure, one whose career spans almost the entire development of modern fantasy and SF. For the fantasy magazine Unknown in the late 1930s, he helped create a whole new modern style of fantasy writing funny, whimsical, and irreverent—of which he is still the most prominent practitioner. His most famous books include Lest Darkness Fall, The Complete Enchanter (with Fletcher Pratt), and Rogue Queen. His short fiction has been collected in A Gun for Dinosaur, The Purple Pterodactyls, and The Best of L. Sprague de Camp, among many other collections. His most recent book, written in collaboration with his wife, writer Catherine Crook de Camp, is The Pixilated Peeress.
In the sly and funny tale that follows, he suggests that when you go a-hunting, you'd better be prepared to find what you're looking for. . . .
* * *
Eudoric Dambertson, Esquire, rode home from his courting of Lusina, daughter of the enchanter Baldonius, with a face as long as an olifant's nose. Eudoric's sire, Sir Dambert, said:
"Well, how fared thy suit, boy? Ill, eh?"
"I—" began Eudoric.
"I told you 'twas an asinine notion, eh? Was I not right? When Baron Emmerhard has more daughters than he can count, any one of which would fetch a pretty parcel of land with her, eh? Well, why answerest not?"
"I—" said Eudoric.
"Come on, lad, speak up!"
"How can he, when ye talk all the time?" said Eudoric's mother, the Lady Aniset.
"Oh," said Sir Dambert. "Your pardon, son. Moreover 25
and furthermore, as I've told you, an ye were Emmerhard's son-in-law, he'd use his influence to get you your spurs. Here ye be, a strapping youth of three-and-twenty, not yet knighted. 'Tis a disgrace to our lineage."
"There are no wars toward, to afford opportunity for deeds of knightly dought," said Eudoric.
"Aye, 'tis true. Cedes, we all hail the blessings of peace, which the wise governance of our sovran emperor hath given us for lo these thirteen years. Howsomever, to perform a knightly deed, our young men must needs waylay banditti, disperse rioters, and do suchlike fribbling feats."
As Sir Dambert paused, Eudoric interjected, "Sir, that problem now seems on its way to solution."
"How meanest thou?"
"If you'll but hear me, Father! Doctor Baldonius has set me a task, ere he'll bestow Lusina on me, which should fit me for knighthood in any jurisdiction."
"And that is?"
"He's fain to have two square yards of dragon hide. Says he needs 'em for his magical mummeries."
"But there have been no dragons in these parts for a century or more!"
"True; but, quoth Baldonius, the monstrous reptiles still abound far to eastward, in the lands of Pathenia and Pantorozia. Forsooth, he's given me a letter of introduction to his colleague, Doctor Raspiudus, in Pathenia."
"What?" cried the Lady Aniset. "Thou, to set forth on some year-long journey to parts unknown, where, 'tis said, men hop on a single leg or have faces in their bellies? I'll not have it! Besides, Baldonius may be privy wizard to Baron Emmerhard, but 'tis not to be denied that he is of no gentle blood."
"Well," said Eudoric, "so who was gentle when the Divine Pair created the world?"
"Our forebears were, I'm sure, whate'er were the case with those of the learned Doctor Baldonius. You young people are always full of idealistic notions. Belike thou'lt fall into heretical delusions, for I hear that the Easterlings
have not the true religion. They falsely believe that God is one, instead of two as we truly understand."
"Let's not wander into the mazes of theology," said Sir Dambert, his chin in his fist. "To be sure, the paynim Southrons believe that God is three, an even more pernicious notion than that of the Easterlings."
"An I meet God in my travels, I'll ask him the truth o't," said Eudoric.
"Be not sacrilegious, thou impertinent whelp! Still and all and notwithstanding, Doctor Baldonius were a man of influence to have in the family, be his origin never so humble. Methinks I could prevail upon him to utter spells to cause my crops, my neat, and my villeins to thrive, whilst casting poxes and murrains on my enemies. Like that caitiff Rainmar, eh? What of the bad seasons we've had? The God and Goddess know we need all the supernatural help we can get to keep us from penury. Else we may some fine day awaken to find that we've lost the holding to some greasy tradesman with a purchased title, with pen for lance and tally sheet for shield."
"Then I have your leave, sire?" cried Eudoric, a broad grin splitting his square, bronzed young face.
The Lady Aniset still objected, and the argument raged for another hour. Eudoric pointed out that it was not as if he were an only child, having two younger brothers and a sister. In the end, Sir Dambert and his lady agreed to Eudoric's quest, provided he return in time to help with the harvest, and take a manservant of their choice.
"Whom have you in mind?" asked Eudoric.
"I fancy Jillo the trainer," said Sir Dambert.
Eudoric groaned. "That old mossback, ever canting and haranguing me on the duties and dignities of my station?"
"He's but a decade older than ye," said Sir Dambert. "Moreover and furthermore, ye'll need an older man, with a sense of order and propriety, to keep you on the path of a gentleman. Class loyalty above all, my boy! Young men are wont to swallow every new idea that flits past, like a frog snapping at flies. Betimes they find they've engulfed a wasp, to their scathe and dolor."
"He's an awkward wight, Father, and not overbrained."
"Aye, but he's honest and true, no small virtues in our degenerate days. In my sire's time there was none of this newfangled saying the courteous `ye' and `you' even to mere churls and scullions. 'Twas always `thou' and `thee.' "
"How you do go on, Dambert dear," said the Lady Aniset.
"Aye, I ramble. 'Tis the penalty of age. At least, Eudoric, the faithful Jillo knows horses and will keep your beasts in prime fettle." Sir Dambert smiled. "Moreover and furthermore, if I know Jillo Godmarson, he'll be glad to get away from his nagging wife for a spell."
So Eudoric and Jillo set forth to eastward, from the knight's holding of Arduen, in the barony of Zurgau, in the county of Treveria, in the kingdom of Locania, in the New Napolitanian Empire. Eudoric—of medium height, powerful build, dark, with square jawed but otherwise undistinguished features—rode his palfrey and led his mighty destrier Morgrim. The lank, lean Jillo bestrode another palfrey and led a sumpter mule. Morgrim was piled with Eudoric's panoply of plate, carefully nested into a compact bundle and lashed down under a canvas cover. The mule bore the rest of their supplies.
For a fortnight they wended uneventfully through the duchies and counties of the Empire. When they reached lands where they could no longer understand the local dialects, they made shift with Helladic, the tongue of the Old Napolitanian Empire, which lettered men spoke everywhere.
They stopped at inns where inns were to be had. For the first fortnight, Eudoric was too preoccupied with dreams of his beloved Lusina to notice the tavern wenches. After that, his urges began to fever him, and he bedded one in Zerbstat, to their mutual satisfaction. Therefore, howevef, he forbore, not as a matter of sexual morals but as a matter of thrift.
When benighted on the road, they slept under the
stars- or, as befell them on the marches of Avaria, under a rain-dripping canopy of clouds. As they bedded down in the wet, Eudoric asked his companion:
"Jillo, why did you not remind me to bring a tent?"
Jillo sneezed. "Why, sir, come rain, come snow, I never thought that so sturdy a springald as ye be would ever need one. The heroes in the romances never travel with tents."
"To the nethermost hell with heroes of the romances! They go clattering around on their destriers for a thousand cantos. Weather is ever fine. Food, shelter, and a change of clothing appear, as by magic, whenever desired. Their armor never rusts. They suffer no tisics and fluxes. They pick up no fleas or lice at the inns. They're never swindled by merchants, for none does aught so vulgar as buying and selling."
"If ye'll pardon me, sir," said Jillo, "that were no knightly way to speak. It becomes not your station."
"Well, to the nethermost hells with my station, too! Wherever these paladins go, they find damsels in distress to rescue, or have other agreeable, thrilling, and sanitary adventures. What adventures have we had? The time we fled from robbers in the Turonian Forest. The time we fished you out of the Albis half drowned. The time we ran out of food in the Asciburgi Mountains and had to plod fodderless over those hair-raising peaks for three days on empty stomachs."
"The Divine Pair do but seek to try the mettle of a valorous aspirant knight, sir. Ye should welcome these petty adversities as a chance to prove your manhood."
Eudoric made a rude noise with his mouth. "That for my manhood! Right now, I'd fainer have a stout roof overhead, a warm fire before me, and a hot repast in my belly. An ever I go on such a silly jaunt again, I'll find one of those versemongers—like that troubadour, Landwin of Kromnitch, that visited us yesteryear—and drag him along, to show him how little real adventures are like those of the romances. And if he fall into the Albis, he may drown, for all of me. Were it not for my darling Lusina—"
Eudoric lapsed into gloomy silence, punctuated by sneezes.
They plodded on until they came to the village of Liptai, on the border of Pathenia. After the border guards had questioned and passed them, they walked their animals down the deep mud of the main street. Most of the slatternly houses were of logs or of crudely hewn planks, innocent of paint.
"Heaven above!" said Jillo. "Look at that, sir!"
"That" was a gigantic snail shell, converted into a small house.
"Knew you not of the giant snails of Pathenia?" asked Eudoric. "I've read of them in Doctor Baldonius' encyclopedia. When full grown, they—or rather their shells—are ofttimes used for dwellings in this land."
Jillo shook his head. "'Twere better had ye spent more of your time on your knightly exercises and less on reading. Your sire hath never learnt his letters, yet he doth his duties well enow."
"Times change, Jillo. I may not clang rhymes so featly as Doctor Baldonius, or that ass Landwin of Kromnitch; but in these days a stroke of the pen were oft more fell than the slash of a sword. Here's a hostelry that looks not too slummocky. Do you dismount and inquire within as to their tallage."
"Why, sir?"
"Because I am fain to know, ere we put our necks in the noose! Go ahead. An I go in, they'll double the scot at sight of me."
When Jillo came out and quoted prices, Eudoric said, "Too dear. We'll try the other."
"But, Master! Mean ye to put us in some flea-bitten hovel, like that which we suffered in Bitava?"
"Aye. Didst not prate to me on the virtues of petty adversity in strengthening one's knightly mettle?"
"'Tis not that, sir."
"What, then?"
"Why, when better quarters are to be had, to make do
with the worse were an insult to your rank and station. No gentleman—"
"Ah, here we are!" said Eudoric. "Suitably squalid, too! You see, good Jillo, I did but yestere'en count our money, and lo! more than half is gone, and our journey not yet half completed."
"But, noble Master, no man of knightly mettle would so debase himself as to tally his silver, like some baseborn commercial—"
"Then I must needs lack true knightly mettle. Here we be!"
For a dozen leagues beyond Liptai rose the great, dense Motolian Forest. Beyond the forest lay the provincial capital of Velitchovo. Beyond Velitchovo, the forest thinned out gradatim to the great grassy plains of Pathenia. Beyond Pathenia, Eudoric had been told, stretched the boundless deserts of Pantorozia, over which a man might ride for months without seeing a city.
Yes, the innkeeper told him, there were plenty of dragons in the Motolian Forest. "But fear them not," said Kasmar in broken Helladic. "From being hunted, they have become wary and even timid. An ye stick to the road and move yarely, they'll pester you not unless ye surprise or corner one."
"Have any dragons been devouring maidens fair lately?" asked Eudoric.
Kasmar laughed. "Nay, good Master. What were maidens fair doing, traipsing round the woods to stir up the beasties? Leave them be, I say, and they'll do the same by you."
A cautious instinct warned Eudoric not to speak of his quest. After he and Jillo had rested and had renewed their equipment, they set out, two days later, into the Motolian Forest. They rode for a league along the Velitchovo road. Then Eudoric, accoutered in full plate and riding Morgrim, led his companion off the road into the woods to southward. They threaded their way among the trees, ducking branches,
in a wide sweep around. Steering by the sun, Eudoric brought them back to the road near Liptai.
The next day they did the same, except that their circuit was to the north of the highway.
After three more days of this exploration, Jillo became restless. "Good Master, what do we, circling round and about so bootlessly? The dragons dwell farther east, away from the haunts of men, they say."
"Having once been lost in the woods," said Eudoric, "I would not repeat the experience. Therefore do we scout our field of action, like a general scouting a future battlefield."
"'Tis an arid business," said Jillo with a shrug. "But then, ye were always one to see further into a millstone than most."
At last, having thoroughly committed the byways of the nearer forest to memory, Eudoric led Jillo farther east. After casting about, they came at last upon the unmistakable tracks of a dragon. The animal had beaten a path through the brush, along which they could ride almost as well as on the road. When they had followed this track for above an hour, Eudoric became aware of a strong, musky stench.
"My lance, Jillo!" said Eudoric, trying to keep his voice from rising with nervousness.
The next bend in the path brought them into full view of the dragon, a thirty-footer facing them on the trail.
"Ha!" said Eudoric. "Meseems 'tis a mere cockadrill, albeit longer of neck and of limb than those that dwell in the rivers of Agisymba—if the pictures in Doctor Baldonius' books lie not. Have at thee, vile worm!"
Eudoric counched his lance and put spurs to Morgrim. The destrier bounded forward.
The dragon raised its head and peered this way and that, as if it could not see well. As the hoofbeats drew nearer, the dragon opened its jaws and uttered a loud, hoarse, groaning bellow.
At that, Morgrim checked his rush with stiffened forelegs, spun ponderously on his haunches, and veered off the trail into the woods. Jillo's palfrey bolted likewise, but in
another direction. The dragon set out after Eudoric at a shambling trot.
Eudoric had not gone fifty yards when Morgrim passed close aboard a massive old oak, a thick limb of which jutted into their path. The horse ducked beneath the bough. The branch caught Eudoric across the breastplate, flipped him backwards over the high cantle of his saddle, and swept him to earth with a great clatter.
Half stunned, he saw the dragon trot closer and closer—and then lumber past him, almost within arm's length, and disappear on the trail of the fleeing horse. The next that Eudoric knew, Jillo was bending over him, crying:
"Alas, my poor heroic Master! Be any bones broke, sir?" "All of them, methinks," groaned Eudoric. "What's befallen Morgrim?"
"That I know not. And look at this dreadful dent in your beauteous cuirass!"
"Help me out of the thing. The dent pokes most sorely into my ribs. The misadventures I suffer for my dear Lusina!"
"We must get your breastplate to a smith to have it hammered out and filed smooth again."
"Fiends take the smiths! They'd charge half the cost of a new one. I'll fix it myself, if I can find a flat rock to set it on and a big stone wherewith to pound it."
"Well, sir," said Jillo, "ye were always a good man of your hands. But the mar will show, and that were not suitable for one of your quality."
"Thou mayst take my quality and stuff it!" cried Eudoric. "Canst speak of nought else? Help me up, pray." He got slowly to his feet, wincing, and limped a few steps.
"At least," he said, "nought seems fractured. But I misdoubt I can walk back to Liptai."
"Oh, sir, that were not to be thought of! Me allow you to wend afoot whilst I ride? Fiends take the thought!" Jillo unhitched the palfrey from the tree to which he had tethered it and led it to Eudoric.
"I accept your courtesy, good Jillo, only because I must. To plod the distance afoot were but a condign punishment
for so bungling my charge. Give me a boost, will you?" Eudoric grunted as Jillo helped him into the saddle.
"Tell me, sir," said Jillo, "why did the beast ramp on past you without stopping to devour you as ye lay helpless? Was't that Morgrim promised a more bounteous repast? Or that the monster feared that your plate would give him a disorder of the bowels?"
"Meseems 'twas neither. Marked you how gray and milky appeared its eyes? According to Doctor Baldonius' book, dragons shed their skins from time to time, like serpents. This one neared the time of its skin change, wherefore the skin over its eyeballs had become thickened and opaque, like glass of poor quality. Therefore it could not plainly discern objects lying still, and pursued only those that moved."
They got back to Liptai after dark. Both were barely able to stagger, Eudoric from his sprains and bruises and Jillo footsore from the unaccustomed three-league hike.
Two days later, when they had recovered, they set out on the two palfreys to hunt for Morgrim. "For," Eudoric said, "that nag is worth more in solid money than all the rest of my possessions together."
Eudoric rode unarmored save for a shirt of light mesh mail, since the palfrey could not carry the extra weight of the plate all day at a brisk pace. He bore his lance and sword, however, in case they should again encounter a dragon.
They found the site of the previous encounter, but no sign either of the dragon or of the destrier. Eudoric and Jillo tracked the horse by its prints in the soft mold for a few bowshots, but then the slot faded out on harder ground.
"Still, I misdoubt Morgrim fell victim to the beast," said Eudoric. "He could show clean heels to many a steed of lighter build, and from its looks the dragon was no courser."
After hours of fruitless searching, whistling, and calling, they returned to Liptai. For a small fee, Eudoric was
allowed to post a notice in Helladic on the town notice board, offering a reward for the return of his horse.
No word, however, came of the sighting of Morgrim. For all that Eudoric could tell, the destrier might have run clear to Velitchovo.
"You are free with advice, good Jillo," said Eudoric. "Well, rede me this riddle. We've established that our steeds will bolt from the sight and smell of dragon, for which I blame them little. Had we all the time in the world, we could doubtless train them to face the monsters, beginning with a stuffed dragon, and then, perchance, one in a cage in some monarch's menagerie. But our lucre dwindles like the snow in spring. What's to do?"
"Well, if the nags won't stand, needs we must face the worms on foot," said Jillo.
"That seems to me to throw away our lives to no good purpose, for these vasty lizards can outrun and outturn us and are well harnessed to boot. Barring the luckiest of lucky thrusts with the spear—as, say, into the eye or down the gullet—that fellow we erst encountered could make one mouthful of my lance and another of me."
"Your knightly courage were sufficient defense, sir. The Divine Pair would surely grant victory to the right."
"From all I've read of battles and feuds," said Eudoric, "methinks the Holy Couple's attention oft strays else-whither when they should be deciding the outcome of some mundane fray."
"That is the trouble with reading; it undermines one's faith in the True Religion. But ye could be at least as well armored as the dragon, in your panoply of plate."
"Aye, but then poor Daisy could not bear so much weight to the site—or, at least, bear it thither and have breath left for a charge. We must be as chary of our beasts' welfare as of our own, for without them 'tis a' long walk back to Treveria. Nor do I deem that we should like to pass our lives in Liptai."
"Then, sir, we could pack the armor on the mule, for you to don in dragon country."
"I like it not," said Eudoric. "Moot, weighted down by
that lobster's habit, I could move no more spryly than a tortoise. 'Twere small comfort to know that if the dragon ate me, he'd suffer indigestion afterward."
Jillo sighed. "Not the knightly attitude, sir, if ye'll pardon my saying so."
"Say what you please, but I'll follow the course of what meseems were common sense. What we need is a brace of those heavy steel crossbows for sieges. At close range, they'll punch a hole in a breastplate as 'twere a sheet of papyrus."
"They take too long to crank up," said Jillo. "By the time ye've readied your second shot, the battle's over."
"Oh, it would behoove us to shoot straight the first time; but better one shot that pierces the monster's scales than a score that bounce off. Howsomever, we have these fell little hand catapults not, and they don't make them in this barbarous land."
A few days later, while Eudoric still fretted over the lack of means to his goal, he heard a sudden sound like a single thunderclap from close at hand. Hastening out from Kasmar's Inn, Eudoric and Jillo found a crowd of Pathenians around the border guard's barracks.
In the drill yard, the guard was drawn up to watch a man demonstrate a weapon. Eudoric, whose few words of Pathenian were not up to conversation, asked among the crowd for somebody who could speak Helladic. When he found one, he learned that the demonstrator was a Pantorozian. The man was a stocky, snub-nosed fellow in a bulbous fur hat, a jacket of coarse undyed wool, and baggy trousers tucked into soft boots.
"He says the device was invented by the Sericans," said the villager. "They live half a world away, across the Pantorozian deserts. He puts some powder into that thing, touches a flame to it, and boom! it spits a leaden ball through the target as neatly as you please."
The Pantorozian demonstrated again, pouring black powder from the small end of a horn down his brass barrel. He placed a wad of rag over the mouth of the tube, then a
leaden ball, and pushed both ball and wad down the tube with a rod. He poured a pinch of powder into a hole on the upper side of the tube near its rear, closed end.
Then he set a forked rest in the ground before him, rested the barrel in the fork, and took a small torch that a guardsman handed him. He pressed the wooden stock of the device against his shoulder, sighted along the tube, and with his free hand touched the torch to the touchhole. Ffft, bang! A cloud of smoke, and another hole appeared in the target.
The Pantorozian spoke with the captain of the guard, but they were too far for Eudoric to hear, even if he could have understood their Pathenian. After a while, the Pantorozian picked up his tube and rest, slung his bag of powder over his shoulder, and walked with downcast air to a cart hitched to a shade tree.
Eudoric approached the man, who was climbing into his car. "God den, fair sir!" began Eudoric, but the Pantorozian spread his hands with a smile of incomprehension.
"Kasmar!" cried Eudoric, sighting the innkeeper in the crowd. "Will you have the goodness to interpret for me and this fellow?"
"He says," said Kasmar, "that he started out with a wainload of these devices and has sold all but one. He hoped to dispose of his last one in Liptai, but our gallant Captain Boriswaf will have nought to do with it."
"Why?" asked Eudoric. "Meseems 'twere a fell weapon in practiced hands."
"That is the trouble, quoth Master Vlek. Boriswaf says that should so fiendish a weapon come into use, 'twill utterly extinguish the noble art of war, for all men will down weapons and refuse to fight rather than face so devilish a device. Then what should he, a lifelong soldier, do for his bread? Beg?"
"Ask Master Vlek where he thinks to pass the night." "I have already persuaded him to lodge with us, Master Eudoric."
"Good, for I would fain have further converse with him."
Over dinner, Eudoric sounded out the Pantorozian on the
price he asked for his advice. Acting as translator, Kasmar said, "If ye strike a bargain on this, I should get ten per centum as a broker's commission, for ye were helpless without me."
Eudoric got the gun, with thirty pounds of powder and a bag of leaden balls and wadding, for less than half of what Vlek had asked of Captain Boriswaf. As Vlek explained, he had not done badly on this peddling trip and was eager to get home to his wives and children.
"Only remember," he said through Kasmar, "overcharge it not, lest it blow apart and take your head off. Press the stock firmly against your shoulder, lest it knock you on your arse like a mule's kick. And keep fire away from the spare powder, lest it explode all at once and blast you to gobbets."
Later, Eudoric told Jillo, "That deal all but wiped out our funds."
"After the tradesmanlike way ye chaffered that barbarian down?"
"Aye. The scheme had better work, or we shall find ourselves choosing betwixt starving and seeking employment as collectors of offal or diggers of ditches. Assuming, that is, that in this reeky place they even bother to collect offal."
"Master Eudoric!" said Jillo. "Ye would not really lower yourself to accept menial wage labor?"
"Sooner than starve, aye. As Helvolius the philosopher said, no rider wears sharper spurs than Necessity."
"But if 'twere known at home, they'd hack off your gilded spurs, break your sword over your head, and degrade you to base varlet!"
"Well, till now I've had no knightly spurs to hack off, but only the plain silvered ones of an esquire. For the rest, I count on you to see that they don't find out. Now go to sleep and cease your grumbling."
The next day found Eudoric and Jillo deep into the Motolian Forest. At the noonday halt, Jillo kindled a fire. Eudoric made a small torch of a stick whose end was wound with a
rag soaked in bacon fat. Then he loaded the device as he had been shown how to do and fired three balls at a mark on a tree. The third time, he hit the mark squarely, although the noise caused the palfreys frantically to tug and rear.
They remounted and went on to where they had met the dragon. Jillo rekindled the torch, and they cast up and down the beast's trail. For two hours they saw no wildlife save a fleeing sow with a farrow of piglets and several huge snails with boulder-sized shells.
Then the horses became unruly. "Methinks they scent our quarry," said Eudoric.
When the riders themselves could detect the odor and the horses became almost unmanageable, Eudoric and Jillo dismounted.
"Tie the nags securely," said Eudoric. "'Twould never do to slay our beast and then find that our horses had fled, leaving us to drag this land cockadrill home afoot."
As if in answer, a deep grunt came from ahead. While Jillo secured the horses, Eudoric laid out his new equipment and methodically loaded his piece.
"Here it comes," said Eudoric. "Stand by with that torch. Apply it not ere I give the word!"
The dragon came in sight, plodding along the trail and swinging its head from side to side. Having just shed its skin, the dragon gleamed in a reticular pattern of green and black, as if it had been freshly painted. Its great, golden, slit-pupiled eyes were now keen.
The horses screamed, causing the dragon to look up and speed its approach.
"Ready?" said Eudoric, setting the device in its rest. "Aye, sir. Here goeth!" Without awaiting further command, Jillo applied the torch to the touchhole.
With a great boom and a cloud of smoke, the device discharged, rocking Eudoric back a pace. When the smoke cleared, the dragon was still rushing upon them, unharmed.
"Thou idiot!" screamed Eudoric. "I told thee not to give fire until I commanded! Thou hast made me miss it clean!"
"I'm s-sorry, sir. I was palsied with fear. What shall we do now?"
"Run, fool!" Dropping the device, Eudoric turned and fled.
Jillo also ran. Eudoric tripped over a root and fell sprawling. Jillo stopped to guard his fallen master and turned to face the dragon. As Eudoric scrambled up, Jillo hurled the torch at the dragon's open maw.
The throw fell just short of its target. It happened, however, that the dragon was just passing over the bag of black powder in its charge. The whirling torch, descending in its flight beneath the monster's head, struck this sack.
BOOM!
When the dragon hunters returned, they found the dragon writhing in its death throes. Its whole underside had been blown open, and blood and guts spilled out.
"Well!" said Eudoric, drawing a long breath. "That is enough knightly adventure to last me for many a year. Fall to; we must flay the creature. Belike we can sell that part of the hide that we take not home ourselves."
"How do ye propose to get it back to Liptai? Its hide alone must weigh in the hundreds."
"We shall hitch the dragon's tail to our two nags and lead them, dragging it behind. 'Twill be a weary swink, but we must needs recover as much as we can to recoup our losses."
An hour later, blood-spattered from head to foot, they were still struggling with the vast hide. Then, a man in forester's garb, with a large gilt medallion on his breast, rode up and dismounted. He was a big, rugged-looking man with a rat-trap mouth.
"Who slew this beast, good my sirs?" he inquired.
Jillo spoke: "My noble master, the squire Eudoric Dambertson here. He is the hero who hath brought this accursed beast to book."
"Be that sooth?" said the man to Eudoric.
"Well, ah," said Eudoric, "I must not claim much credit for the deed."
"But ye were the slayer, yea? Then, sir, ye are under arrest."
"What? But wherefore?"
"Ye shall see." From his garments, the stranger produced a length of cord with knots at intervals. With this he measured the dragon from nose to tail. Then the man stood up again.
"To answer your question, on three grounds: imprimis, for slaying a dragon out of lawful season; secundus, for slaying a dragon below the minimum size permitted; and tertius, for slaying a female dragon, which is protected the year round."
"You say this is a female?"
"Aye, 'tis as plain as the nose on your face."
"How does one tell with dragons?"
"Know, knave, that the male hath small horns behind the eyes, the which this specimen patently lacks."
"Who are you, anyway?" demanded Eudoric.
"Senior game warden Voytsik of Prath, at your service. My credentials." The man fingered his medallion. "Now, show me your licenses, pray!"
"Licenses?" said Eudoric blankly.
"Hunting licenses, oaf!"
"None told us that such were required, sir," said Jillo. "Ignorance of the law is no pretext; ye should have asked. That makes four counts of illegality."
Eudoric said, "But why—why in the name of the God and Goddess—"
"Pray, swear not by your false, heretical deities." "Well, why should you Pathenians wish to preserve these monstrous reptiles?"
"Imprimis, because their hides and other parts have commercial value, which would perish were the whole race extirpated. Secundus, because they help to maintain the balance of nature by devouring the giant snails, which otherwise would issue forth nightly from the forest in such numbers as to strip bare our crops, orchards, and gardens and reduce our folk to hunger. And tertius, because they add a picturesque element to the landscape, thus luring foreigners to visit our land and spend their gold therein. Doth that explanation satisfy you?"
Eudoric had a fleeting thought of assaulting the stranger
and either killing him or rendering him helpless while Eudoric and Jillo salvaged their prize. Even as he thought, three more tough-looking fellows, clad like Voytsik and armed with crossbows, rode out of the trees and formed up behind their leader.
"Now come along, ye two," said Voytsik.
"Whither?" asked Eudoric.
"Back to Liptai. On the morrow, we take the stage to Velitchovo, where your case will be tried."
"Your pardon, sir; we take the what?"
"The stagecoach."
"What's that, good my sir?"
"By the only God, ye must come from a barbarous land indeed! Ye shall see. Now come along, lest we be benighted in the woods."
The stagecoach made a regular round trip between Liptai and Velitchovo thrice a sennight. Jillo made the journey sunk in gloom, Eudoric kept busy viewing the passing countryside and, when opportunity offered, asking the driver about his occupation: pay, hours, fares, the cost of the vehicle, and so forth. By the time the prisoners reached their destination, both stank mightily because they had had no chance to wash the dragon's blood from their blood-soaked garments.
As they neared the capital, the driver whipped up his team to a gallop. They rattled along the road beside the muddy river Pshora until the river made a bend. Then they thundered across the planks of a bridge.
Velitchovo was a real city, with a roughly paved main street and an onion-domed, brightly colored cathedral of the One God. In a massively timbered municipal palace, a bewhiskered magistrate asked, "Which of you two aliens truly slew the beast?"
"The younger, hight Eudoric," said Voytsik.
"Nay, Your Honor, 'twas I!" said Jillo.
"That is not what he said when we came upon them red-handed from their crime," said Voytsik. "This lean
fellow plainly averred that his companion had done the deed, and the other denied it not."
"I can explain that," said Jillo. "I am the servant of the most worshipful squire Eudoric Damberston of Arduen. We set forth to slay the creature, thinking this a noble and heroic deed that should redound to our glory on earth and our credit in Heaven. Whereas we both had a part in the act, the fatal stroke was delivered by your humble servant here. Howsomever, wishing like a good servant for all the glory to go to my master, I gave him the full credit, not knowing that this credit should be counted as blame."
"What say ye to that, Master Eudoric?" asked the judge.
"Jillo's account is essentially true," said Eudoric. "I must, however, confess that my failure to slay the beast was due to mischance and not want of intent."
"Methinks they utter a pack of lies to confuse the court," said Voytsik. "I have told Your Honor of the circumstances of their arrest, whence ye may judge how matters stand."
The judge put his fingertips together. "Master Eudoric," he said, "ye may plead innocent, or as incurring sole guilt, or as guilty in company with your servant. I do not think that you can escape some guilt, since Master Jillo, being your servant, acted under your orders. Ye be therefore responsible for his acts and at the very least a fautor of dragocide."
"What happens if I plead innocent?" said Eudoric.
"Why, in that case, an ye can find an attorney, ye shall be tried in due process. Bail can plainly not be allowed to foreign travelers, who can so easily slip through the law's fingers."
"In other words, I needs must stay in jail until my case comes up. How long will that take?"
"Since our calendar be crowded, 'twill be at least a year and a half. Whereas, an ye plead guilty, all is settled in a trice."
"Then I plead sole guilt," said Eudoric.
"But, dear Master—" wailed Jillo.
"Hold thy tongue, Jillo. I know what I do."
The judge chuckled. "An old head on your shoulders, I perceive. Well, Master Eudoric, I find you guilty on all four
counts and amerce you the wonted fine, which is one hundred marks on each count."
"Four hundred marks!" exclaimed Eudoric. "Our total combined wealth at this moment amounts to fourteen marks and thirty-seven pence, plus some items of property left with Master Kasmar in Liptai."
"So, ye'll have to serve out the corresponding prison term, which comes to one mark a day—unless ye can find someone to pay the balance of the fine for you. Take him away, jailer."
"But, Your Honor!" cried Jillo, "what shall I do without my noble master? When shall I see him again?"
"Ye may visit him any day during the regular visiting hours. It were well if ye brought him somewhat to eat, for our prison fare is not of the daintiest."
At the first visiting hour, when Jillo pleaded to be allowed to share Eudoric's sentence, Eudoric said, "Be not a bigger fool than thou canst help! I took sole blame so that ye should be free to run mine errands; whereas had I shared my guilt with you, we had both been mewed up here. Here, take this letter to Doctor Raspiudus; seek him out and acquaint him with our plight. If he be in sooth a true friend of our own Doctor Baldonius, belike he'll come to our rescue."
Doctor Raspiudus was short and fat, with a bushy white beard to his waist. "Ah, dear old Baldonius!" he cried in good Helladic. "I mind me of when we were lads together at the Arcane College of Saalingen University! Doth he still string verses together?"
"Aye, that he does," said Eudoric.
"Now, young man, I daresay that your chiefest desire is to get out of this foul hole, is't not?"
"That, and to recover our three remaining animals and other possessions left behind in Liptai, and to depart with the two square yards of dragon hide that I've promised to Doctor Baldonius, with enough money to see us home."
"Methinks all these matters were easily arranged, young sir. I need only your power of attorney to enable me to go to Liptai, recover the objects in question, and return hither
to pay your fine and release you. Your firearm is, I fear, lost to you, having been confiscated by the law."
"'Twere of little use without a new supply of the magical powder," said Eudoric. "Your plan sounds splendid. But, sir, what do you get out of this?"
The enchanter rubbed his hands together. "Why, the pleasure of favoring an old friend—and also the chance to acquire a complete dragon hide for my own purposes. I know somewhat of Baldonius' experiments. An he can do thus and so with two yards of dragon, I can surely do more with a score."
"How will you obtain this dragon hide?"
"By now the foresters will have skinned the beast and salvaged the other parts of monetary worth, all of which will be put up at auction for the benefit of the kingdom. And I shall bid them in." Raspiudus chuckled. "When the other bidders know against whom they bid, I think not that they'll force the price up very far."
"Why can't you get me out of here now and then go to Liptai?"
Another chuckle. "My dear boy, first I must see that all is as ye say in Liptai. After all, I have only your word that ye be in sooth the Eudoric Dambertson of whom Baldonius writes. So bide ye in patience a few days more. I'll see that ye be sent better ailment than the slop they serve here. And now, pray, your authorization. Here are pen and ink."
To keep from starvation, Jillo got a job as a paver's helper and worked in hasty visits to the jail during his lunch hour. When a fortnight had passed without word from Doctor Raspiudus, Eudoric told Jillo to go to the wizard's home for an explanation.
"They turned me away at the door," reported Jillo. "They told me that the learned doctor had never heard of us."
As the import of this news sank in, Eudoric cursed and beat the wall in his rage. "That filthy, treacherous he-witch! He gets me to sign that power of attorney; then, when he has my property in his grubby paws, he conveniently forgets
about us! By the God and Goddess, if ever I catch him—" "Here, here, what's all this noise?" said the jailer. "Ye disturb the other prisoners."
When Jillo explained the cause of his master's outrage, the jailer laughed. "Why, everyone knows that Raspiudus is the worst skinflint and treacher in Velitchovo! Had ye asked me, I'd have warned you."
"Why has none of his victims slain him?" asked Eudoric.
"We are a law-abiding folk, sir. We do not permit private persons to indulge their feuds on their own, and we have some most ingenious penalties for homicide."
"Mean ye," said Jillo, "that amongst you Pathenians a
gentleman may not avenge an insult by the gage of battle?" "Of course not! We are not bloodthirsty barbarians." "Ye mean there are no true gentlemen amongst you,"
sniffed Jillo.
"Then, Master Tiolkhof," said Eudoric, calming himself by force of will, "am I stuck here for a year and more?"
"Aye, but ye may get time off for good behavior at the end—three or four days, belike."
When the jailer had gone, Jillo said, "When ye get out, Master, ye must needs uphold our honor by challenging this runagate to the trial of battle, to the death."
Eudoric shook his head. "Heard you not what Tiolkhof said? They deem dueling barbarous and boil the duelists in oil, or something equally entertaining. Anyway, Raspiudus could beg off on grounds of age. We must, instead, use what wits the Holy Couple gave us. I wish now that I'd sent you back to Liptai to fetch our belongings and never meddled with this rolypoly sorcerer."
"True, but how could ye know, dear Master? I should probably have bungled the task in any case, what with my ignorance of the tongue and all."
After another fortnight, King Vladmor of Pathenia died. When his son Yogor ascended the throne, he declared a general amnesty for all crimes lesser than murder. Thus Eudoric found himself out in the street again, but without horse, armor, weapons, or money beyond a few marks.
"Jillo," he said that night in their mean little cubicle, "we must needs get into Raspiudus' house somehow. As we saw this afternoon, 'tis a big place with a stout, high wall around it.
"An ye could get a supply of that black powder, we could blast a breach in the wall."
"But we have no such stuff, nor means of getting it, unless we raid the royal armory, which I do not think we can do."
"Then how about climbing a tree near the wall and letting ourselves down by ropes inside the wall from a convenient branch?"
"A promising plan, if there were such an overhanging tree. But there isn't, as you saw as well as I when we scouted the place. Let me think. Raspiudus must have supplies borne into his stronghold from time to time. I misdoubt his wizardry is potent enough to conjure foodstuffs out of air."
"Mean ye that we should gain entrance as, say, a brace of chicken farmers with eggs to sell?"
"Just so. But nay, that won't do. Raspiudus is no fool. Knowing of this amnesty that enlarged me, he'll be on the watch for such a trick. At least, so should I be, in his room, and I credit him with no less wit than mine own . . . I have it! What visitor would logically be likely to call upon him now, whom he will not have seen for many a year and whom he would hasten to welcome?"
"That I know not, sir."
"Who would wonder what had become of us and, detecting our troubles in his magical scryglass, would follow upon our track by uncanny means?"
"Oh, ye mean Doctor Baldonius!"
"Aye. My whiskers have grown nigh as long as his since last I shaved. And we're much of a size."
"But I never heard that your old tutor could fly about on an enchanted broomstick, as some of the mightiest magicians are said to do."
"Belike he can't, but Doctor Raspiudus wouldn't know that."
"Mean ye," said Jillo, "that ye've a mind to play Doctor Baldonius? Or to have me play him? The latter would never do."
"I know it wouldn't, good my Jillo. You know not the learned patter proper to wizards and other philosophers."
"Won't Raspiudus know you, sir? As ye say he's a shrewd old villain."
"He's seen me but once, in that dark, dank cell, and that for a mere quarter hour. You he's never seen at all. Methinks I can disguise myself well enough to befool him—unless you have a better notion."
"Alack, I have none! Then what part shall I play?"
"I had thought of going in alone."
"Nay, sir, dismiss the thought! Me let my master risk his mortal body and immortal soul in a witch's lair without my being there to help him?"
"If you help me the way you did by touching off that firearm whilst our dragon was out of range—"
"Ah, but who threw the torch and saved us in the end? What disguise shall I wear?"
"Since Raspiudus knows you not, there's no need for any. You shall be Baldonius' servant, as you are mine."
"Ye forget, sir, that if Raspiudus knows me not, his gatekeepers might. Forsooth, they're likely to recall me because of the noisy protests I made when they barred me out."
"Hm. Well, you're too old for a page, too lank for a bodyguard, and too unlearned for a wizard's assistant. I have it! You shall go as my concubine!"
"Oh, Heaven above, sir, not that! I am a normal man! I should never live it down!"
To the massive gate before Raspiudus' house came Eudoric, with a patch over one eye, and his beard, uncut for a month, dyed white. A white wig cascaded down from under his hat. He presented a note, in a plausible imitation of Baldonius' hand, to the gatekeeper:
Doctor Baldonius of Treveria presents his compliments to his old friend and colleague Doctor Raspiudus of Velitchovo, and begs the favor of an audience to discuss the apparent disappearance of two young protégés of his.
A pace behind, stooping to disguise his stature, slouched a rouged and powdered Jillo in woman's dress. If Jillo was a homely man, he made a hideous woman, at least as far as his face could be seen under the headcloth. Nor was his beauty enhanced by the dress, which Eudoric had stitched together out of cheap cloth. The garment looked like what it was: the work of a rank amateur at dressmaking.
"My master begs you to enter," said the gatekeeper.
"Why, dear old Baldonius!" cried Raspiudus, rubbing his hands together. "Ye've not changed a mite since those glad, mad days at Saalingen! Do ye still string verses?"
"Ye've withstood the ravages of time well yourself, Raspiudus," said Eudoric, in an imitation of Baldonius' voice. " `As fly the years, the geese fly north in spring; Ah, would the years, like geese, return a-wing!' "
Raspiudus roared with laughter, patting his paunch. "The same old Baldonius! Made ye that one up?"
Eudoric made a deprecatory motion. "I am a mere poetaster; but had not the higher wisdom claimed my allegiance, I might have made my mark in poesy."
"What befell your poor eye?"
"My own carelessness in leaving a corner of a pentacle open. The demon got in a swipe of his claws ere I could banish him. But now, good Raspiudus, I have a matter to discuss whereof I told you in my note."
"Yea, yea, time enow for that. Be ye weary from the road? Need ye baths? Aliment? Drink?"
"Not yet, old friend. We have but now come from Velitchovo's best hostelry."
"Then let me show you my house and grounds. Your lady . . . ?"
"She'll stay with me. She speaks nought but Treverian and fears being separated from me among strangers. A mere swineherd's chick, but a faithful creature. At my age, that is of more moment than a pretty face."
Presently, Eudoric was looking at his and Jillo's palfreys and their sumpter mule in Raspiudus' stables. Eudoric made a few hesitant efforts, as if he were Baldonius seeking his young friends, to inquire after their disappearance. Each time Raspiudus smoothly turned the question aside, promising enlightenment later.
An hour later, Raspiudus was showing off his magical sanctum. With obvious interest, Eudoric examined a number of squares of dragon hide spread out on a workbench. He asked:
"Be this the integument of one of those Pathenian dragons, whereof I have heard?"
"Certes, good Baldonius. Are they extinct in your part of the world?"
"Aye. 'Twas for that reason that I sent my young friend and former pupil, of whom I'm waiting to tell you, eastward to fetch me some of this hide for use in my work. How does one cure this hide?"
"With salt, and—unh! "
Raspiudus collapsed, Eudoric having just struck him on the head with a short bludgeon that he whisked out of his voluminous sleeves.
"Bind and gag him and roll him behind the bench!" said Eudoric.
"Were it not better to cut his throat, sir?" said Jillo.
"Nay. The jailer told us that they have ingenious ways of punishing homicide, and I have no wish to prove them by experiment."
While Jillo bound the unconscious Raspiudus, Eudoric chose two pieces of dragon hide, each about a yard square. He rolled them together into a bundle and lashed them with a length of rope from inside his robe. As an afterthought, he helped himself to the contents of Raspiudus' purse. Then he hoisted the roll of hide to his shoulder and issued from the laboratory. He called to the nearest stableboy.
"Doctor Raspiudus," he said, "asks that ye saddle up those two nags." He pointed. "Good saddles, mind you! Are the animals well shod?"
"Hasten, sir," muttered Jillo. "Every instant we hang about here—"
"Hold thy peace! The appearance of haste were the surest way to arouse suspicion." Eudoric raised his voice. "Another heave on that girth, fellow! I am not minded to have my aged bones shattered by a tumble into the roadway."
Jillo whispered, "Can't we recover the mule and your armor, to boot?"
Eudoric shook his head. "Too risky," he murmured. "Be glad if we get away with whole skins."
When the horses had been saddled to his satisfaction, he said, "Lend me some of your strength in mounting, youngster." He groaned as he swung awkwardly into the saddle. "A murrain on thy master, to send us off on this footling errand—me that hasn't sat a horse in years! Now hand me that accursed roll of hide. I thank thee, youth; here's a little for thy trouble. Run ahead and tell the gatekeeper to have his portal wall opened. I fear that if this beast pulls up of a sudden, I shall go flying over its head!"
A few minutes later, when they had turned a corner and were out of sight of Raspiudus' house, Eudoric said, "Now trot!"
"If I could but get out of this damned gown," muttered Jillo. "I can't ride decently in it."
"Wait till we're out of the city gate."
When Jillo had shed the offending garment, Eudoric said, "Now ride, man, as never before in your life!"
They pounded off on the Liptai road. Looking back, Jillo gave a screech. "There's a thing flying after us! It looks like a giant bat!"
"One of Raspiudus' sendings," said Eudoric. "I knew he'd get loose. Use your spurs! Can we but gain the bridge . . ."
They fled at a mad gallop. The sending came closer and closer, until Eudoric thought he could feel the wind of its wings.
Then their hooves thundered across the bridge over the Pshora.
"Those things will not cross running water," said Eu-
doric, looking back. "Slow down, Jillo. These nags must bear us many leagues, and we must not founder them at the start.''
. . so here we are," Eudoric told Doctor Baldonius. "Ye've seen your family, lad?"
"Certes. They thrive, praise to the Divine Pair. Where's Lusina?"
"Well—ah—ahem—the fact is, she is not here."
"Oh? Then where?"
"Ye put me to shame, Eudoric. I promised you her hand in return for the two yards of dragon hide. Well, ye've fetched me the hide, at no small effort and risk, but I cannot fulfill my side of the bargain."
"Wherefore?"
"Alas! My undutiful daughter ran off with a strolling player last summer, whilst ye were chasing dragons—or perchance 'twas the other way round. I'm right truly sorry . . .
Eudoric frowned silently for an instant, then said, "Fret not, esteemed Doctor. I shall recover from the wound—provided, that is, that you salve it by making up my losses in more materialistic fashion."
Baldonius raised bushy gray brows. "So? Ye seem not so grief-stricken as I should have expected, to judge from the lover's sighs and tears wherewith ye parted from the jade last spring. Now ye'll accept money instead?"
"Aye, sir. I admit that my passion had somewhat cooled during our long separation. Was it likewise with her? What said she of me?"
"Aye, her sentiments did indeed change. She said you were too much an opportunist altogether to please her. I would not wound your feelings. . . ."
Eudoric waved a deprecatory hand. "Continue, pray. I have been somewhat toughened by my months in the rude, rough world, and I am interested."
"Well, I told her she was being foolish; that ye were a shrewd lad who, an ye survived the dragon hunt, would go
far. But her words were: `That is just the trouble, Father. He is too shrewd to be very lovable."'
"Hmph," grunted Eudoric. "As one might say: I am a man of enterprise, thou art an opportunist, he is a conniving scoundrel. 'Tis all in the point of view. Well, if she prefers the fools of this world, I wish her joy of them. As a man of honor, I would have wedded Lusina had she wished. As things stand, trouble is saved all around."
"To you, belike, though I misdoubt my headstrong lass'Il find the life of an actor's wife a bed of violets:
`Who'd wed on a whim is soon filled to the brim Of worry and doubt, till he longs for an out. So if ye would wive, beware of the gyve Of an ill-chosen mate; 'tis a harrowing fate.'
But enough of that. What sum had ye in mind?"
"Enough to cover the cost of my good destrier Morgrim and my panoply of plate, together with lance and sword, plus a few other chattels and incidental expenses of travel. Fifteen hundred marks should cover the lot."
"Fif-teen hundred! Whew! I could ne'er afford—nor are these moldy patches of dragon hide worth a fraction of the sum."
Eudoric sighed and rose. "You know what you can afford, good my sage." He picked up the roll of dragon hide. "Your colleague Doctor Calporio, wizard to the Count of Treveria, expressed a keen interest in this material. In fact, he offered me more than I have asked of you, but I thought it only honorable to give you the first chance." "What!" cried Baldonius. "That mountebank, charlatan, that faker? Misusing the hide and not deriving a tenth of the magical benefits from it that I should? Sit down, Eudoric; we will discuss these things."
An hour's haggling got Eudoric his fifteen hundred marks. Baldonius said, "Well, praise the Divine Couple that's over. And now, beloved pupil, what are your plans?" "Would ye believe it, Doctor Baldonius," said Jillo, "that
my poor, deluded master is about to disgrace his lineage and betray his class by a base commercial enterprise?" "Forsooth, Jillo? What's this?"
"He means my proposed coach line," said Eudoric. "Good Heaven, what's that?"
"My plan to run a carriage on a weekly schedule from Zurgau to Kromnitch, taking all who can pay the fare, as they do in Pathenia. We can't let the heathen Easterlings get ahead of us."
"What an extraordinary idea! Need ye a partner?"
"Thanks, but nay. Baron Emmerhard has already thrown in with me. He's promised me my knighthood in exchange for the partnership."
"There is no nobility anymore," said Jillo.
Eudoric grinned. "Emmerhard said much the same sort of thing, but I convinced him that anything to do with horses is a proper pursuit for a gentleman. Jillo, you can spell me at driving the coach, which will make you a gentleman, too!"
Jillo sighed. "Alas! The true spirit of knighthood is dying in this degenerate age. Woe is me that I should live to see the end of chivalry! How much did ye think of paying me, sir?"