7
HARV—I mean HARA—offered to make the morning coffee while I took a shower. She made a big show of walking into the kitchen, giving me an opportunity to check out her new sashay, which I later learned was modeled after Betty Grable’s. I tried very hard not to look (for too long), then hurried into the shower and set it for cold.
And in yet another example of those patented (literally—by HARV) Zach Johnson hard-luck coincidences, I was in the shower for two minutes when Electra, after having waited patiently for ten minutes for me to call back, took matters into her own hands and called me instead.
HARA answered the call and put Electra on the bathroom monitor (it doubles as a shaving mirror) just as I was stepping out. So when Electra’s concerned face came on the screen she saw me, naked save for a towel, (looking surprised and more than a little guilty) with HARA standing behind me.
“This isn’t what it looks like,” I said.
“That’s good,” she said, as her scowl began to deepen, “because it looks like a man with a death wish.”
“You see, I had a rough night.”
“I can tell,” she said, eyeing HARA (who was admiring herself using the wall screen as a makeshift mirror). “But I’m warning you that the phrase ‘rough night’ is going to take on a whole new meaning for you when I get back.”
“I can explain, mi amor.”
“Tell you what, Chico. In deference to our many years together, I’m going to work with you on this and let you choose which of your arms I’m going to break.”
“I’m glad to see that you’re keeping this all in perspective,” I said. “Look, here’s the quick recap to bring you up to speed. I was attacked last night. Kabuki droids, which is a first, even for me. It was part of a new reality series in which I’m starring, but which I didn’t know about. I don’t want to do the show, so I’m being sued by a restaurant owner, which means I need money, which is why I just accepted an assignment from Sexy Sprockets, whom I saved last night by the way, although I just learned that she wasn’t really in danger since the bots were programmed to attack only me. She doesn’t know that though, so she wants to hire me, although at the nano, I thought that she just wanted to date me.”
“You’re not helping yourself, Chico.”
“However, I spurned her advances. Not the employment ones, just the romantic ones.”
“Which didn’t exist.”
“That’s technically true, but I should still get credit for spurning them even if they were all in my head. And, oh, by the way, HARV’s a woman now.”
“So the puta behind you is HARV?” Electra asked, staring past me at HARA, who was adjusting her holographic skirt.
“Actually, he prefers to be called HARA now,” I said, waving my hand through HARA’s midsection to show that she was a hologram.
“Which explains why she’s in the bathroom with you while you’re naked?”
“Um, not really, no,” I said. “But I think you can understand how little actual control I have over my life at present.”
“You’re really scraping the bottom of the excuse barrel with this one.”
“I freely admit that that is the most preposterous excuse possible for having a redheaded bombshell in my bathroom.”
“It’s beyond preposterous.”
“And I admit that I am an exceptionally skilled liar.”
“You got that right, Chico.”
“Okay, so here’s where it all comes together,” I said, straightening my towel. “In such an awkward, and potentially life-threatening, position, would a consummate liar such as myself come up with such a lame excuse?”
“Que?”
“Come on, honey. I’m risking grievous bodily harm here. With all that’s on the line, do you really think the lie I would come up with is ‘oh, by the way, HARV’s a woman now’ if it weren’t true? I mean there are a million better ways to explain this.”
“Name one.”
“She’s a holographic advertisement that came with my new cologne.”
“Name another.”
“She’s part of the new pick-up service offered by my dry cleaner. She’s an android assassin trying to take me by surprise. She’s a virus that I accidentally downloaded onto the house computer while viewing porn.”
“None of those excuses would help you, you know.”
“But they’re all more plausible than HARV becoming a woman.”
“You really expect me to believe that’s HARV?”
“Electra, mi amor, I know this looks bad, but you have to believe me when I say that you’re the one I’m in love with.”
“Gates, Zach,” HARA sighed loudly, “can’t you grasp even the rudiments of proper grammar?”
“What was that?” I asked smugly.
“It’s ‘the one with whom I’m in love.’ I’ve told you a million times that you can’t end a sentence with a preposition. Forget my new look. Dr. Gevada should break up with you based on your grammar alone.” She threw her hands in the air and stormed out of the bathroom. “Honestly, I’m in the employ of a subliterate.”
Electra watched her go and then gently smiled.
“Yep, that’s HARV,” she said.
“And you doubted me.”
“You know, he’s got a nice walk.”
“I’m trying not to notice.”
“I still don’t like this,” she said, “on many, many levels.”
“You and me both,” I replied, “but I’m stuck with it for the nano. Can we talk about it when you get home?”
“Count on it, Chico.”
She terminated the call and the screen went back to mirror mode. I spent the next few nanos staring at my tired-looking face in the mirror and wondering what other unwanted surprises the day held for me.