PLEASE APPROVE THE DISSERTATION RESEARCH OF ANGTOR
From: ANGTOR.lastname@u.titan.edu
To: hsrb@u.titan.edu
Date: 1:08am May 21, 2429
Subject: Please Approve the Dissertation Research of Angtor
Dear Ethics Review Board for Research on Insignificant Humans,
Angtor requests approval for dissertation research to test the theory: “Humans will destroy inhabited planets if Angtor screams death threats at them until they comply.” This is a minor variation of the Milgram experiment and is therefore eligible for expedited review.
Angtor will be the first of its brood to obtain a PhD, so it is imperative that you approve this research.
Thank you,
Angtor
From: jenna.wong@hsrb.titan.edu
To: ANGTOR.lastname@u.titan.edu
Date: 9:45am May 23, 2429
Subject: RE: Please Approve the Dissertation Research of Angtor
Hi Angtor,
Your dissertation is not eligible for expedited review. The Milgram experiment asked subjects to administer an electric shock. Your proposed research involves shouting death threats at students until they destroy a planet. This is not a minor variation. You need to submit a full application.
Being the first of your brood to obtain a PhD is an admirable goal, so I will give you a tip: the board cannot approve research where undergraduates are subjected to death threats.
Good luck,
Jenna Wong, Chair
Human Subjects Review Board
University of Titan
From: ANGTOR.lastname@u.titan.edu
To: jenna.wong@hsrb.titan.edu
Date: 12:53pm May 23, 2429
Subject: URGENT: Please Approve the Dissertation Research of Angtor
Dear Jenna Wong,
Thank you for the helpful tip. Please provide approval for Angtor’s much improved dissertation research: “Humans will destroy inhabited planets if Angtor asks them politely without making any overt death threats.” This study assesses the benefits of a public service program, and therefore is eligible for expedited review.
Angtor needs a PhD by the end of this academic year to impress a mate, therefore Angtor asks you politely for approval without making any overt death threats.
Thank you,
Angtor
From: jenna.wong@hsrb.titan.edu
To: ANGTOR.lastname@u.titan.edu
Date: 9:33am May 24, 2429
Subject: RE: URGENT: Please Approve the Dissertation Research of Angtor
Angtor,
There are only three weeks remaining in the academic year, so even if your proposal is approved it is unlikely that you will be able to complete your research in time to graduate this year. If you start now, you might be able to finish in time for next year.
Quick clarification question: what is the public service program your research will be assessing?
Thanks,
Jenna Wong
From: ANGTOR.lastname@u.titan.edu
To: jenna.wong@hsrb.titan.edu
Date: 2:06pm May 24, 2429
Subject: RE: RE: URGENT: Please Approve the Dissertation Research of Angtor
Dear Jenna Wong,
Eliminating planets infested with undesirable life forms is a public service.
Thank you,
Angtor
From: jenna.wong@hsrb.titan.edu
To: ANGTOR.lastname@u.titan.edu
Date: 12:14pm May 25, 2429
Subject: RE: RE: RE: URGENT: Please Approve the Dissertation Research of Angtor
Hi Angtor,
Thank you for your clarification. Your research project, “Humans will destroy inhabited planets if Angtor asks them politely without making any overt death threats,” is not eligible for expedited review. Please submit a full application.
Good luck (you’ll need it),
Jenna Wong
From: ANGTOR.lastname@u.titan.edu
To: jenna.wong@hsrb.titan.edu
Date: 3:06am May 26, 2429
Subject: PLEASE APPROVE THE DISSERTATION RESEARCH OF ANGTOR
Dear Jenna Wong,
You seriously expect Angtor to fill out a 37-page application form to conduct one miserable study about whether humans will destroy inhabited planets? Angtor has many important things to do to prepare for mating and producing broodlings that will spread across the galaxy. Do you not wish for Angtor to have a mate? You have already wasted one precious week of Angtor’s research time by not approving the initial proposal.
Angtor’s kin have provided the university with money to build the Katrid Library and the Tannin Museum of Galactic Conquest. They will be most displeased to hear of your resistance.
Thank you,
Angtor, Broodchild of Katrid, Ruler of the Tannin Empire
From: jenna.wong@hsrb.titan.edu
To: ANGTOR.lastname@u.titan.edu
Date: 8:22am May 29, 2429
Subject: RE: PLEASE APPROVE THE DISSERTATION RESEARCH OF ANGTOR
Dear Angtor,
I am pleased to inform you that we can do an expedited review for your dissertation research after all, thereby saving you the trouble of filling out a full application form. I do have a few clarification questions, as the description of your study was not entirely clear:
1. Will the undergraduates in the study be destroying actual planets, or will they see a simulation of planets being destroyed?
2. Will assignment to the experimental group be randomized?
3. Do you plan to eat the undergraduates at the end of the study?
With sincerest respect for your parents,
Jenna Wong
From: ANGTOR.lastname@u.titan.edu
To: jenna.wong@hsrb.titan.edu
Date: 6:21pm May 29, 2429
Subject: RE: RE: PLEASE APPROVE THE DISSERTATION RESEARCH OF ANGTOR
Dear Jenna Wong,
1. Actual planets will be destroyed. Angtor does not care what puny undergraduate research subjects see. What will make the review board approve this dissertation research? Kittens? Undergraduates will see pictures of kittens.
2. Angtor will randomly put all the undergraduates into the group where they destroy planets.
3. Angtor will only eat the undergraduates that do not comply. The others are free to go out and live their insignificant lives until such time as Angtor selects a mate and produces a hungry brood.
Thank you,
Angtor
From: jenna.wong@hsrb.titan.edu
To: ANGTOR.lastname@u.titan.edu
Date: 4:55pm May 30, 2429
Subject: Application for Research Denied
Dear Angtor,
With sincerest apologies to you and your exalted parents, I am unable to approve your application for “Humans will destroy inhabited planets if Angtor asks them politely without making any overt death threats.”
As a precaution for my personal safety, I have fled the university prior to sending this message. Please do not reply to this message, as I have requested this email account be deleted.
Goodbye,
Jenna Wong
From: ANGTOR.lastname@u.titan.edu
To: loretta.blaine@u.titan.edu
Date: 3:08am June 2, 2429
Subject: Please Approve the Dissertation Research of Angtor
Dear Puny Human Advisor,
Submitted in fulfillment of the graduation requirements of the PhD program is my thesis, “Human undergraduates will destroy the home planet of Jenna Wong if Angtor asks them politely without making any overt death threats.” Retroactive HSRB approval was provided by Ulric Thurman, the new chair of the human subjects review board. Angtor spent two whole days working very hard on this research.
If you feel this dissertation does not meet the standards of the university, Angtor can add an additional test condition to see if human undergraduates will destroy your home planet when asked politely by Angtor. Earth is a very nice planet. It would be a shame if something happened to it. Angtor is confident that the human subjects review board would retroactively approve this additional research if asked politely without any overt death threats.
Thank you,
Angtor
From: loretta.blaine@u.titan.edu
To: ANGTOR.lastname@u.titan.edu
Date: 5:52am June 2, 2429
Subject: RE: Please Approve the Dissertation Research of Angtor
Dear Angtor,
Congratulations on finishing your thesis. I can assure you that although the official paperwork is still being processed, you will absolutely be receiving your PhD, and therefore there is no need for you to conduct additional research of any kind.
Purely as a formality, we have scheduled your thesis defense for Friday afternoon. Again, please rest assured that you need not do any additional research, and this is only a formality. Congratulations on your PhD.
Sincerely,
Loretta M. Blaine, PhD
Psychology Department
University of Titan
From: ANGTOR.lastname@u.titan.edu
To: loretta.blaine@u.titan.edu
Date: 3:42pm June 3, 2429
Subject: RE: RE: Please Approve the Dissertation Research of Angtor
Dear Puny Human Advisor,
Angtor is pleased that no additional research is needed.
On a personal note, Angtor has selected a mate and is filled with broodlings. Therefore Angtor will not be attending your thesis defense nonsense.
Thank you,
Angtor
From: ANGTOR.lastname@u.titan.edu
To: SCREEVE@u.tauceti.edu, LINGBAD@u.tauceti.edu, ZYNCHVAR@u.tauceti.edu
Date: 9:19pm June 7, 2429
Subject: Please Approve the Dissertation Research of Angtor
Dear Exalted Tannin Empire Dissertation Committee,
Angtor humbly submits for your approval a dissertation titled “Human University Will Grant PhD to Alien Student When Threatened With the Destruction of Inhabited Planets.”
No sentient creatures were physically harmed in the execution of this research, but the humans seemed strangely troubled by Angtor’s highly convincing simulations of planetary destruction. In debriefing, Angtor offset this psychological damage by showing the humans pictures of small furry Earth creatures called kittens.
Thank you,
Angtor, PhD
Caroline M. Yoachim lives in Seattle and loves cold cloudy weather. She is the author of dozens of stories, appearing in Fantasy & Science Fiction, Clarkesworld, Asimov’s, and Lightspeed, among other places. Her debut short story collection is coming out with Fairwood Press in 2016. For more about Caroline, check out her website at carolineyoachim.com.