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Today is Sunday, May 21, 2000 A.D. On this date in history, nothing too terribly Wack occurred.
Yesterday's date, however, will be a different matter from now on.
On May 20, 2000, a number of gunmen (current estimates are between eight and fifteen) dressed in camouflage uniforms and black hoods, and armed with automatic weapons and explosives, attacked an outdoor festival-concert crowd in Wichita, Kansas, and then escaped by means unknown.
According to the most recent CNN updates, the death toll stands at eighty-four, with twenty-two wounded persons remaining hospitalized with injuries ranging from trample-contusions to bullets-in-the-head. [<Click Here> for the current casualty list according to CNN.]
This incident will go down as one of the most Wack events in recent American history for various reasons, the most striking of which include:
—The fact that roughly a dozen douchebags wearing paramilitary uniforms and carrying heavy firepower just waltzed into a park, slaughtered people willy-nilly, and then waltzed right back out again with no difficulty whatsoever. Where was security? Where were the cops?
—Well, there were cops, but they were overwhelmed and outgunned. CNN says that two uniformed officers were killed along with all the civilians. [<Click Here> for CNN vidcap JPEG of the dead cops.]
—All of the "professional" news organizations, almost twenty-four hours after the event, are still saying that no one has claimed responsibility and that they have no idea who did it. Christ on a crutch, haven't they been paying attention? Dudes, yesterday was ARMED FORCES DAY. Now, no one outside the military pays any attention to Armed Forces Day . . . but that's your answer right there. These guys were pissed-off U.S. veterans who chose this particular day in order to make their point, whatever it was.
—Ironically, the Wichita festival would have included a nighttime orchestra performance of the "1812 Overture," complete with howitzers and fireworks, in honor of Armed Forces Day. But the commando-veterans chose to attack a small pop concert in the afternoon, which resulted in the cancellation of all subsequent events. Thus, they screwed themselves out of being honored. Wack to the max.
—A mental case being called "Laughin' Boy" [<Click Here> for JPEG photo] has so far been getting more press than the gunmen and victims combined. Why? Why aren't we concentrating on the crime and its aftermath instead of on this nimrod? Why is the world (as reflected in the media) outraged at Laughin' Boy's behavior, but matter-of-fact about the carnage that preceded it? (Maybe it's because we're used to seeing people shot to smithereens [<Click Here> for links to 112 examples], but not so used to seeing someone yuck it up in the midst of the gore.)
Yes, my friends, such an incident is the essence of Wack. However, the Wackmeister is horrified to realize that he actually feels some gratitude toward those responsible, and toward Laughin' Boy as well. Because thanks to them, we'll all know what Wackosity to expect in the days ahead.
In other words, for a week or so we'll be able to turn on our TVs with some confidence that we'll finally be seeing something OTHER than the repetitive Wackitude of:
—Cindy Crawford discussing the remarkable development of her genetically perfect Uberchild as if she were the first woman in history to give birth.
—Ditto Kathie Lee Gifford.
—Tom Brokaw making snide cracks about the homeless while copping a 'tude as if he were responsible for the Allied Victory in World War II.
—Tom Hanks accepting yet another award.
—Matt Damon doing anything.
—Johnnie Cochran, period (although if the perpetrators of the Wichita Massacre turn out to be former football players or foul-tempered rap moguls, we might be seeing even more of the Cochsman than we are now).
—The increasingly lame Presidential Candidates engaging in yet another bullshitting contest about how they'll Cut Taxes, Save Social Security, Get Tough on Crime, Strengthen the Economy, and Keep Their Dicks In Their Pants. (Forgive me, Lord, but I'm at the point where I'll take Laughin' Boy's bizarre chortles over G.W. Bush's bizarre smirk any day of the week. It's the smirk of a man wearing something that vibrates.)
—Yet another heartwarming story of a white Midwestern couple who desperately wanted children (well, more children; they already had one or two), took drugs (not BAD drugs, mind you, but GOOD drugs), and then dropped a litter of chipmunk-sized homunculi, praise be to Jaysuss (who must work for a pharmaceutical company) for this miraculous gift. (Yeah, that's all we need . . . seven or eight more mewling, spoiled Caucasian brats who'll receive many thousands of dollars in donated goods and services, not to mention various forms of governmental support, while a little girl in Houston's Fifth Ward goes hungry because her mommy not only isn't white, but didn't take the right kind of drugs).
—David Letterman threatening, once again, to show us his scar. [He already did. <Click Here>].
—Rudy Giuliani ratcheting his queasily effeminate snottiness toward Hillary Clinton up yet another notch.
—Regis Philbin and/or Jesse Ventura. (These two might be the same guy; I can't tell.)
—Al Gore.
—Al Roker.
—Al D'Amato.
—Al Sharpton.
—Al Michaels.
—Al Franken.
—Anyone else named Al.
—The latest sighting of the Virgin Mary (or her boy) in a potato skin, blob of ice cream, warped window, corn tortilla, patch of soot, hubcap ding, water-blood-sweat-mustard-olive-oil-axle-grease-or-ketchup stain, etc.
—Anyone who uses a little Cuban kid as a club against Castro while getting rich from investments in companies that do business in China. (Apparently, Communist governments that treat their people like serfs are only evil if Americans can't make buttloads of money off the serfs, too.)
—Anything having to do with Monica Lewinsky, Lucianne Goldberg, Linda Tripp, Vernon Jordan, Kenneth Starr, Bettie Currie, Kathleen Willey, Paula Jones, Gloria Allred, that creepy ponytailed guy in Oregon, or any of the other cast members of the most pervasive and popular musical comedy of 1998-99, "The Blowjob that Ate Sheboygan." (I'd include Bill, but you know we're gonna see him again.)
—Any footage of Tipper Gore playing drums. Please, God, NOOOOO!
[<Click Here> for MPEG of Tipper Gore playing drums, but be prepared to claw out your eyes and begin screaming "Give me some light!" And before turning on the sound as well, ask yourself if you really want to be this generation's Helen Keller.]
But seriously, folks. I predict that we'll soon be begging for any of the above Wackiliciousness again, because we're about to be inundated with image after sickening image and interview after ludicrous interview of any and all persons connected to the Wichita Massacre . . . but especially of the Wack-beyond-all-measure "Laughin' Boy."
[<Click Here> for MPEG of Laughin' Boy whoopin' it up amongst the dead.]
Wait and see.
And that's the Wack Report for May 21, 2000 . . . but check back tomorrow, gang, because it's all bound to get Wack-ier still!
Until then—Wack . . . Off!
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